Why I Write Letters to my Stepchildren

I write letters to my stepchildren.

My stepchildren live with their mother, 3.5 hours away from us, during the school year. There's not much we can do about that since they need to attend school, but keeping in touch with their day to day can be hard. Last year I started writing them 'snail mail' letters, complete with self-addressed, stamped envelopes. While I've never gotten a reply from either child, I know they are at least getting my letters and they know that their dad and I are thinking about them.

It's my own little way of showering them with love from a distance.

Phone calls with kids are awkward. I don't know if you've ever tried to talk to a kid on the phone but they're easily distracted and it's not always possible to follow their train of thought. Talking on the phone with our kids has the added 'fun' of their mother hovering in the background, listening to every word and interjecting into the conversation when she's feeling particularly flippant. We've never had a phone call that lasted longer than 20 minutes- the children's mother always finds a reason they can't talk anymore after that amount of time. A 20 minute conversation is generous, they average more of 10 minutes and only happen about once a month.

That sounds really bad, like we only talk to the kids once a month. It's not. We see them every other weekend, and actually only call on weekends we aren't able to go pick them up. But still, we aren't seeing them very often, and hence I started the writing campaign.

I have a few reasons I chose snail mail.

First, it's tangible. 

Getting a physical letter in the mail was always exciting for me. I'm not sure my stepchildren find it as fun as I did, but regardless it's a tangible piece of paper covered in words of love and encouragement from parents who miss them. Having physical proof of how cared for you are as a child might not seem meaningful at the time- but if either kid is saving their letters (and I hope they are) they can look back over many weeks and see our support as many times as they need to.

Second, his ex-wife can't interrupt my dialogue. 

There's no "two cents" being added to what I have to say to the children. It's completely free of all interference and influence from their mother. Since I strongly suspect their mother is a narcissist (that's a whole other post for another time), I assume there is little in their lives that doesn't have her stamp of approval or influence attached. My letters are meant to be a little slice of what's going on with Dad and Emma, not what Mom thinks of Dad and Emma. Once the words are on the page in ink, she can't add to or change them.

And third, I'm teaching them something useful. 

Letter format and how to address an envelope was a single day's worth of English class when I was in elementary school. The children's mother is constantly taking them out of school for various "doctor's appointments" (these children have been to the doctor more in the past 2 months than I have, and I'm pregnant!). We have no idea what they may be missing in their schooling, and so I wanted to teach them how letters are written, how envelopes are addressed, and all with the added bonus of them having something to practice reading skills. I had originally addressed a letter to their mother explaining this particular reason to her in the hopes she'd help them practice the writing side in response- she ignored me.

I don't get replies.

The children never write back. Kids don't sit and write letters when they are young without being told to. I highly doubt their mother tells them to sit and write their Dad or stepmom a letter. She'd prefer we dropped off the face of the Earth before that ever happens. I keep copies of all the letters and a journal with the dates of when I sent them- just in case I ever need proof of this particular form we use for contacting the kids.

When they are older and have their own email accounts, I will likely write them emails too. Electronic communication for me just isn't as special. A card or handwritten letter feels so much more personal and filled with love- after all, that is the point. To show the children love from afar.

So if you're like me, and being a wicked (awesome) stepmom from afar most the year, feel free to give writing letters to the children a try. Don't expect much out of the experience, and keep at it even if you don't get a response. I write a letter to each child every other week. Four so far this school year, and likely 15-20 by the time they return for the summer. I won't get a reply to any of them, and that's okay. I still get to shower them with love and affection over and over without anyone to stop me.

"But what if the ex doesn't let the children read the letters?"

I was worried about that too. It didn't materialize, but if you try this and it does- that is something to take up with the Friend of the Court. Here in Michigan, she isn't allowed to keep mail addressed directly to the children from them. I always address the envelopes to the children, and completely leave her name out of it. In theory it's against the law for her to open their mail (though I assume she reads the letters before giving them to the kids). And then when I see the kids, I reference things I've said in the letters which usually confirms they've read them. I even sometimes flat out ask, "Did you get my letter?". Our kids have always said yes.

Overall, my letter writing campaign has had mixed results. Sure I don't replies, but it's been a low-conflict way to stay in touch with them from far away. They practice reading, are learning about how letters look, and hopefully can feel our love for them through our letters. They might not appreciate it now, but perhaps one day they will look back and realize how much we care about them. That's all that matters in the end- that the kids know they are loved.

Until next time,
Emma Leigh