Not Just Living for the Sun | Facing Depression with Human Connections

Yesterday was the first warm sunny day we've had here in the Keweenaw in awhile. Most of us took a moment to bask in the glow of sunlight (I went to the beach to listen to the waves), but we can't live only for the sunny days. We need to know how to cope with the gloomy days too- because there's not a single person who doesn't have them. It's going to rain and snow sometimes.

This time of year, the cabin fever blues (aka seasonal depression from lack of sunlight) is common around here. One of my friends made a comment recently that last winter she was depressed and really only enjoyed the handful of days she spent on vacation in the south. This winter she's been trying to get out and enjoy the snow, embrace the simple joys like a good cup of coffee, and live for each day- not just the sunny ones. She's right, we can't only deal with our feelings on good days. We have to process bad emotions too. The idea of feeling our emotions fully is rarely talked about it seems.

Contemplating seasonal depression was on my mind when I came across the news story that touched me most this week. The story of the mom who killed her children and then attempted to take her own life by jumping out of the window really got me thinking. It's not just seasonal depression that's being poorly managed. The woman in the story was suffering from post partum depression according to the news article and taking a full-fledged cocktail of drugs to supposedly treat it. Do we really need synthetic drugs to treat our emotions? Or is that making it worse?

Post partum depression is real and intense, just like seasonal depression can be really intense. How many people did that woman ask for help before she reached the point of jumping out of the window? How many minutes did her doctor talk to her face to face before giving her a laundry list of medication to treat a normal and real human experience? How many mothers are out there with a similar problem and just haven't snapped yet?

I've struggled with post partum depression myself. It didn't hit me until 6 months into baby number two, and I wasn't even sure it was depression at first. I was happy with my baby. I was having no problems taking care of her, but breast feeding was requiring more patience than it had with her older brother. I was feeling a little overwhelmed, and not getting enough sleep- the absolute standard of new motherhood. I didn't think anything was wrong with me, but I knew I didn't feel quite right.

Eventually I admitted that I wasn't able to handle the feelings on my own, especially as winter approached and daylight got short. During a regular screening for depression at baby's well child visit, I realized I was lying in my answers. No, I really wasn't okay and I called my doctor the next morning to schedule an appointment. I knew I could talk about it with my OB/GYN but didn't feel comfortable telling our pediatrician.

My doctor spent almost an hour talking with me, mostly just listening, as I told about my day to day experience with two instead of one. I rambled on about how much more difficult the small baby tasks felt with a toddler demanding my attention too. But my doctor didn't prescribe sleeping pills and anti-depression drugs. She heard me instead. I was overwhelmed, not getting enough sleep, not having enough help. Totally normal things to have going on when you've just had a baby.

I was sent home with directions to take vitamin D, a vitamin B complex, and vitamin C. She told me to have a real conversation with my husband about my need for extra help and more sleep. I had been keeping how I felt to myself, and once he knew I was struggling, he had no problem helping more.

I took the vitamins for a few days as instructed, and I really don't know if they helped or if it was the placebo effect of "doing something" about my depression. Improvement wasn't instant. It hasn't gotten back to "normal" and I don't expect it to. My normal from before two kids doesn't exist any more.

The conversation I had with my doctor and the extra vitamins got me over the mountain. It's rolling hills at this point, and now that baby is older and sleeping through the night, I sleep again too. There's absolutely no substitute for good restful sleep. The overwhelmed feeling has subsided, and it wasn't special drugs that did it. It was a real human connection I had with my doctor, a real human connection I had with my husband, and real conversations I had with my support system. I just needed to be heard and understood so I wasn't facing my emotions all alone. I was able to feel my feelings without being destroyed, no cocktail of psychotic drugs needed. I'm lucky that my doctor wanted to help me heal- not just medicate me until I wouldn't care how I felt.

Caring for my kids is one of my favorite activities, but it has to have balance. Motherhood is 24/7 for the rest of your life. It's insane to think a new mom doesn't need time to adjust to her new normal or regular breaks from being everything for her children- especially while sleep deprived. I learned in my own experience that no one is going to offer up break time to mom. Dad won't come home from work and volunteer to take the kids off my hands. I have to vocalize when I need some time to myself. Being assertive about my needs is taking some practice. I still occasionally forget to ask for a break. Moms spend so much time taking care of others but they need to be taken care of sometimes too.

Post partum depression has always existed. As long as motherhood has existed, the complex emotions and mental changes that take place as a result of bringing life into the world has always been a transition. There are zero women who birth a baby and don't require time to adjust, even if they don't have depression.

Our 21st century society places too much importance on medicating emotional issues instead of healing them. There may be other factors regarding the woman from the news story, but my opinion is the cocktail of drugs she was taking directly contributed to the tragedy her family has experienced. I don't want something like that happening to anyone else.

Human connection should be the first treatment for depression, not medication.

The past 3 years we have all been deprived of real human connections in an unnatural way. We spend more time online than having in-person conversations and it is wrecking havoc on our collective mental health- not just new moms. When those who are struggling turn to medication instead of healthy relationships, it compounds this issue.

Feeling down happens to everyone and most people experience some form of depression in their lifetime. Humans suffered from depression in the past just as we do now and were able to "cure" themselves without the synthetic drugs that exist today. So, logically, there has to be alternative treatments besides just things the pharmaceutical companies invented.

Most of us in the Keweenaw are feeling the seasonal depression strongly this time of year. The sunny days this week are helping, but we know there's lots of winter left to contend with. We can't only live for the sunny days and we can't pop a pill to erase our feelings while expecting to live a full life.

Reach out to your friends and family. Plan a get-together in person to catch up if possible. Call them instead of texting. Write a physical letter instead of an email. Connect again- not in the digital world but in real life. Stay away from virtual reality- it will only make mental health crises worse.

Using connection as a tool doesn't only apply to post partum depression. Real connections help everyone's mental health, whether you have depression or not. Those of us feeling the winter blues can benefit from warm conversation over a cup of coffee too. We don't have to face life's gloomy days alone- we are not supposed to. Family and friends are meant to help us weather life's storms.

Bask in the sunshine when you can, but look for the little joys on gloomy days too. Summer sunshine will return, our children will grow. Life will have stormy days but we don't need doctor-prescribed drugs to cope with human emotions. Be the sunshine in someone else's gloomy day when you can. Human experiences are meant to be lived together- not alone.

Until next time,

Emma Leigh

Disclaimer: I'm not a health professional. If you, or someone you know is struggling with depression, contact your doctor or the national suicide prevention hotline