Thoughts on Breastfeeding's Mental Game

Breastfeeding is not for the weak-hearted or anyone afraid of their own inner thoughts.

This 24-7 job, project, whatever you want to call it, is a constant minefield of emotions. Well, at least it has been for me. I was forewarned that breastfeeding would be difficult; I was under no illusion it was going to be easy. All the literature and advice said so. None of it prepared me for the actual experience.

Your nipples will be sore.

Yep, that was true. "Sore" doesn't quite cover it as an adjective though. It straight up hurts, it's painful, and once we mastered latching so it wasn't as painful- they are still ridiculously sensitive. My bra touching them is uncomfortable. The idea of having to let the little monster suck on them in yet another 2 hours again and again is emotionally draining.

You won't get to sleep.

Yep, accurate. Mine's a pretty good sleeper (when he's full and dry) but I'm still not getting enough sleep. I've never been good at napping, and while I've had a couple tries at it, napping doesn't seem to be fitting in to my day (and I won't be able to maintain napping when I resume working anyway). I was ill-informed of the possibility that I'd be lacking enough sleep in combination with the sore nipples that I'd be spending at least one feeding every night just silently crying while he eats. Sometimes it's because I'm actually upset, usually it's because I'm overwhelmed emotionally and crying is the only way left to get that excess out. And I feel so much better after a little crying.

You'll resent your husband a little.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's getting more sleep than me. He is still working 40+ hours a week and from the sounds of it, work has been a handful the past few weeks. I can only imagine the monster he'd be if he was trying to do it all on my level of rest. That doesn't stop the little jealousy gremlin inside of me from considering muffling his snoring with a pillow while our son is nursing for 45 minutes at 2am. On weekends, I make sure I don't jump up and get baby from the cradle until there's been at least one loud cry to wake Daddy up too- after all, misery loves company (and help with middle of the night diaper changes).

You'll be obsessed with making sure the little one is breathing.

I know other mom's do this but I never thought I'd be one of them. I spend probably half the awake time at night not even nursing or changing diapers. I spend it staring at him asleep in his cradle, trying to discern in the darkness if he's breathing or not. It's a good thing the little guy moves around in his sleep quite a bit, because I can't hear him breathing over his dad's snoring anyway. I'd probably sleep more if I wasn't terrified of him dying of SIDS.

Your boobs will hurt when they get engorged.

This one I was warned of, but it didn't make it any less shocking when it happened. Gloriously, at some point the little one sleeps longer than before (3 hours instead of 1.5 makes a HUGE difference). This is unfortunately a double-edged sword. Sure, now we can sleep longer (yay!) but now boobs are rock hard because they're a little over-filled with the extended time since the last feeding. Thankfully, this doesn't last horribly long, and the supply/demand of the process smooths it out. But that first longer stretch is uncomfortable enough to wake you up and let you lie in bed debating the idea of waking up the baby (I ended up taking the engorged boobs over waking him).

So what am I doing to keep myself sane in the middle of the night while I'm crying and contemplating suffocating my peacefully sleeping husband? Well, I've had a lot of free time to think about life. I also scroll through Facebook, read the news, play Sudoku puzzles, etc. But mostly I watch the clock for 20 minutes (sometimes closer to an hour) while I let the little guy decide on his own when he's done eating.

Breastfeeding is a mental game I've decided. And it's one that I'm only winning about 50% of the time.

One of the nurses at the hospital when I gave birth gave me some solid advice- this phase is temporary and it won't be easy, smooth, or even  feel possible for at least 2 weeks. Give it a solid try and keep trying- it will get better as you find your groove.

She wasn't wrong. It's steadily improving each day. I'm not an expert yet, and I'm still struggling with it, but I haven't given up yet. When I feel really stressed by it, I take a deep breath and remind myself that he's getting the best nutrients this way (and that I'm saving a small fortune in the cost of formula). Sure, it might not be as simple as fixing up a bottle, but the natural approach I took to child birth made that a smooth transition, so while breastfeeding might have some bumps along the road, it's ultimately where I want to be with feeding my baby.

And if you're a formula feeding mom that's fine too. I can see how that approach works for some (I've been tempted myself a few times). I'm not ready to throw in the towel on breastfeeding just yet, but if it didn't work out for you- don't beat yourself up about it. As long as baby is fed and happy that is all that matters in the end.

My 2 hours is up and it's time to feed again.

Until next time,
Emma Leigh